What difference it make whether -gingerbread house on top or bottom of the page. I don't think I look up again till EMS find me on floor, and now this little nurse telling me, "Look at me, sweetie, you gonna get through this. You really are gonna get through this. About three months after baby born, I'm still twelve when all this happen, Mama slap me. Then she kick me in ribs. Nigger pig bitch! He done quit me! He done left me 'cause of you. What you tell them mutherfuckers at the damn hospital?
I should KILL you! I'm lying on the floor shaking, crying, scared she gonna kill me. I fix collard greens and ham hocks, corn bread, fried apple pies, and macaroni 'n cheese.
I'm in the kitchen two hours, I know that, even though I don't tell time so good, 'cause man on the radio say four o'clock, tell some news, play music, and by the time I'm fixing Mama's plate man say six o'clock.
My neck, shoulder, and back feel like cars is riding over them. I carry Mama a plate, set it in front her on TV tray. Devil red sparks flashes in Mama's eyes, big crease in her forehead git deeper.
I'm scared. I wanna lay down. Go get a plate and stop acting stupid 'fore I do hurt your shoulder. Mama holler, "Margarine! Bring me some margarine and hot sauce.
Then I go git my plate and sit down with her. Greens, corn bread, ham hocks, macaroni 'n cheese; I eat 'cause she say eat.
I don't taste nothin'. Some white people is smiling and kissing on television. I don't like beer. I'm so full I could bust. I look at Mama. Scare me to look at her. She take up half the couch, her arms seem like giant arms, her legs which she always got cocked open seem like ugly tree logs.
I bring her plate back. I sit her pies down on the tray. Try not to look at her. Try to watch the white people on TV running on the beach sand. Try not to see grease running down Mama's chin, try not to see her grab whole ham hock wif her hand, try not to see myself doing the same thing. Eating, first 'cause she make me, beat me if I don't, then eating hoping pain in my neck back go away.
I keep eating till the pain, the gray TV light, and- Mama is a blur; and I just fall back on the couch so full it like I'm dyin' and I go to sleep, like I always do; almost. Almost, go to sleep; it's the pain in my shoulder keep me from totally conking out this time.
I feel Mama's hand between my legs, moving up my thigh. Her hand stop, she getting ready to pinch me if I move. I just lay still still, keep my eyes close. I can tell Mama's other hand between her legs now 'cause the smell fill room. Mama can't fit into bathtub no more.
Go sleep, go sleep, go to sleep, I tells myself. Mama's hand creepy spider, up my legs, in my pussy. God please! Thank you god I say as I fall asleep. I'm twelve, no I was twelve, when that shit happen. I'm sixteen now. Mama jus' hit me wif fryin' pan? One minute Mama's foot smashing into side of my head, next I'm jumping over desk on Mrs Lichenstein's ass.
Mama sleep on couch. I got to get through Saturday and Sunday 'fore I get to Monday-the alternative. I'm wearing them and my X sweatshirt. Put some Vaseline on my face, nuffin' I can do about my hair till I git some money to git my braids put back in. I look at my poster of Farrakhan on the wall. Amen Allah! Radio clock glowing red a. Time to go!
Mama sleep. I be back before she wake up, back in time to clean up and fix breakfast for Mama. Why Mama never do anything? One time I ax her, when I get. Reeboks, white! No, next shits I get b e Nikes! Green leather jacket, keys. I is going, got my hand on the doorknob. Why ain' her fat ass sleep? Fuck her! It's four of 'em. The staircase so skinny both sides of me touch some part of building when I'm going down the stairs. Maybe after I have baby I lose some weight.
Maybe I get my own place. When I step out in morning Lenox is jumping with cars, gypsy cabs, and buses. Delivery trucks is parked in front the supermarket and the McDonald's on corner of 1 3 2nd. Men, women, and kids waiting at bus stop to go to school and downtown to work. Wonder where they go to work?
Come to 1 2 6th Street, across the street Sylvia's. I ain't got no money. African vendors out on street wif they stuff-leather purses and African clothes and earrings from cow' shells, stuff like that. I'm walking slow slow now. No one say nuffin' to me now my belly big. No "Yo Big Mama" 'n "all dat meat and no potatoes" shit. I'm safe. Yeah, safe from dese fools on the street but am I safe from Carl Kenwood Jones?
This is my second baby for my daddy, it gonna be retarded too? Umm hmmm, she know. She bring him to me. I ain' crazy, that stinky hoe give me to him. Probably thas' what he require to fuck her, some of me. Got to where he jus' come in my room any ole time, not jus' night.
He climb on me. Shut up! He slap my ass, You wide as the Mississippi, don't tell me a little bit of dick hurt you heifer. Git usta it, he laff, you is usta it. I fall back on bed, he fall right on top of me. Then I change stations, change bodies, I be dancing in videos! In movies! I be breaking, fly, jus' a dancing! Umm hmm heating up the stage at the Apollo for Doug E. Fresh or AI B. They love me! Say I'm one of the best dancers ain' no doubt of or about that! Hurry up, nigger, shut up! He mess up dream talkin' 'n gruntin'.
First he mess up my life fucking me, then he mess up the fucking talkin'. I wanna scream, Oh shut up! I'm your daughter, fucking me illegal. But I keep my mouf shut so's the fucking don't turn into a beating.
I start to feel good; stop being a video dancer and start coming. I try to go back to video but coming now, rocking under Carl now, my twat jumping juicy, it feel good. I feel shamed. I come some more. You jus' like your mama-you die for it! He shake his head, bus door close. I'm leaning against glass panel of bus stop.
I stare at 1 0 1 bus disappearing down I 2 5 th Street. How I git here? What I'm doing on one-two-five at this time of morning?
I'm on my way, was on my way, walking down Lenox when bad thoughts hit me 'n I space out. Mind your bizness! I done passed it a hunnert times but never been in it. I walk through the doors, past man at desk, he don't say nuffin' to me, I don't say nuffin' to him.
It's a elevator wif black doors. I step inside, stand there. Don't go nowhere. Push the button, stupid, I tell myself. I push the button; I'm not stupid, I tell myself. I step out the elevator and see this lady with cornrow hair sitting at desk. White sign black letters on the desk. PUSH "This the alternative? It's the law. Lichenstein ain' say all that. Thas' kinda nice. So really their sending your records over was just a way of speeding things up for you.
I know it say I got a baby. Do it say who Daddy? What kinda baby? Do it say how pages the same for me, how much I weigh, fights I done had? I don't know what file say. Well, OK, they got file, know every mutherfucking thing. So what's the big deal, let's get it on. The only thing we really need is income verification. Are you currently receiving AFDC? They should score 8.
She got leggings like mine 'cept hers black. She got on blue blouse, look nice, like silk. She look OK I guess. I like light-skin people, they nice. I likes slim people too. Mama fat black, if I weigh two hundred she weigh three. The fat lady is looking at me.
I looks back, she ain' answered my question. I don't believe this bitch no teacher. The tesses paint a picture of me wif no brain. The tesses paint a picture of me an' my muver-my whole family, we more than dumb, we invisible.
One time I seen us on Tv. It was a show of spooky shit, an' castles, you know shit be all haunted. And the peoples, well some of them was peoples and some of them was vampire peoples. But the real peoples did not know it till it was party time. You know crackers eating roast turkey and champagne and shit. Got it? The other peoples did not exist. They vampires. They eats, drinks, wear clothes, talks, fucks, and stuff but when you git right down to it they don't exist.
But I can see when the picture come back I don't exist. Don't nobody want me. Don't nobody need me. I know who I am. I know who they say I am-vampire sucking the system's blood.
Ugly black grease to be wipe away, punish, kilt, changed, finded a job for. I wanna say I am somebody. I see the pink faces in suits look over top of my head. I watch myself disappear in their eyes, their tesses. I talk loud but still I don't exist. I see it over and over, the real people, the people who show up when the picture come back; and they are pritty people, girls with little titties like buttons and legs like long white straws.
Do all white people look like pictures? No, 'cause the white people at school is fat and cruel like evil witches from fairy tales but they exist. Is it because they white? If Mrs Lichenstein who have elephant stomach and garbage smell from her pussy exist, why don't I? Why can't I see myself, feel where I end and begin. My fahver don't see me really. If he did he would know I was like a white girl, a real person, inside.
He would not climb on me from forever and stick his dick in me 'n get me inside on fire, bleed, I bleed then he slap me. Can't he see I am a girl for flowers and thin straw legs and a place in the picture.
I been out the picture so long I am used to it. But that don't mean it don't hurt. Sometimes I pass by store window and somebody fat dark skin, old looking, someone look like my muver look back at me. But I know it can't be my muver 'cause my muver is at home. She have not left home since Little Mongo was born. Who I see? I stand in tub sometime, look my body, it stretch marks, ripples.
I try to hide myself, then I try to show myself. I ax my muver for money to git my hair done, clothes. She usta give me money; now every time I ax for money she say I took her husband, her man. Her man? Thas my mutherfuckin' fahver! I hear her tell someone on phone I am heifer, take her husband, I'm fast. What it take for my muver to see me? Sometimes I wish I was not alive. But I don't know how to die. Ain' no plug to pull out. I hardly have not seen my daughter since she was a little baby.
I never stick my bresses in her mouth. My muver say what for? It's outta style. She say I never do you. What that child of yours need tittie for? She retarded. Down Sinder. I don't give a fuck. I look bitch teacher woman in face, trying to see do she see me or the tess. But I don't care now what anybody see. I see something, somebody.
I got baby. I feel proud 'cept it's baby by my fahver and that make me not in picture again. It's teacher woman, "Would you like to take the test again? What for, it gonna be the same, I ain't change. I still me, Precious. She say I in first class which meet Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, 9 a.
I say, "I usta going to school everyday all day. I don't say nuffin', then I say loud, "YES. I love him. He is against crack addicts and crackers. Crackers is the cause of everything bad. It why my father ack like he do. He has forgot he is the Original Man!
So he fuck me, fuck me, beat me, have a chile by me. When he see I'm pregnant the first time he disappear. I think for years, for a long time I know that much. After my baby and me come out of the hospital my muver take us down to welfare; say I is mother but just a chile and she taking care of bofe us' es. So really all she did was add my baby to her budget.
She already on the 'fare wit' me so she just add my daughter. I could be on the 'fare for myself now, I think. I'm old enuff. I'm 1 6. But I'm not sure I know how to be on my own. I have to say sometimes I hate my muver. She don't love me. I wonder how she could love Little Mongo thas my daughter. Mongo sound Spanish don't it? Yeah, thas why I chose it, but what it is is short for Mongoloid Down Sinder, which is what she is; sometimes what I feel I is.
I feel so stupid sometimes. So ugly, worth nuffin'. Carl come over fuck us' es. I hate hear him talk more than I hate fuck. Sometimes fuck feel good. That confuse me, everything get swimming for me, floating like for days sometimes. I just sit in back classroom, somebody say something I shout on 'em, hit 'em; rest of the time I mine my bizness. I was on my way to graduate from I.
It's 8 a. I know I woketed up at 6 a. I got to get dress for school. I got to be at school by 9 a. Today is first day. I been tessed. I been incomed eligible. I got Medicaid card and proof of address. All that shit. I is ready. Ready for school. School something this nuthin '! School gonna help me get out dis house. I gotta throw some water on my ass and git up. What I'm gonna wear what I'm gonna wear?
One thing I do got is clothes, thanks to my muver's charge at Lane Bryant 'n man sell hot shit. Come to building go from door to door, I got your size he call out in hallway I got your size.
I got to get dress. I wear my pink stretch pants? I go splash some water on my ass, which mean I wash serious between my legs and underarm. I don't smell like my muver. I don 't. I ain' got no money for lunch or McDonald's for breakfast. I double back to my room. On top my dresser is notebook.
I got self, pencil, and notebook. Can I get a witness! I'm outta here! I always did like school, jus' seem school never did like me. Kinnergarden and first grade I don't talk, they laff at that. Second grade my cherry busted. I don't want to think that now. I look across the street at McDonald's but I ain't got no money so I unwrap ham and take a bite. I'm gonna ask Mama for some money when she get her check, plus the school gonna give me a stipend, thas money for goin' to school.
Secon' grade they laffes at HOW I talk. So I stop talking. What for? Secon' thas when the "l'mma joke" start. When I go sit down boyz make fart sounds wif they mouf like it's me fartin'. When I git up they snort snort hog grunt sounds. So I jus' stop getting up. Thas when I start to pee on myself. I just sit there, it's like I paralyze or some shit.
I don't move. I can 't move. Secon' grade teacher HATE me. Oh that woman hate me. I look at myself in the window of the fried chicken joint between 1 27th and 1 2 6th.
But boyz still laff me, what could I wear that boyz don't laff? Secon' grade is when I just start to sit there. All day. Other kids run all around.
Me, Claireece P. Jones, come in 5 a. I wet myself. Don't lmow why I don't get up, but I don't. I jus' sit there and pee. Teacher ack all care at first, then scream, then get Principal. Principal call Mama and who else I don't remember. Finally Principal say, Let it be.
Be glad thas all the trouble she give you. Focus on the ones who can learn, Principal say to teacher. What that mean? Is she one of the ones who can't? My head hurt. I gotta eat something. It's a. I gotta be at school at 9 a. Ham gone. I turn back to chicken place. Walk in cool tell lady, Give me a basket. Chicken look like last night's but people in there buying it ol' or not. Lady ax, Fries? I say, Potato salad. Potato salad in the refrigerator in the back.
I lmow that. Lady turn roun' to go in back, I grab chicken and roll, tum, run out, and cut down one-two-six stuffing chicken in my mouth. I don't even turn my head-crack addicts is disgusting! Give race a bad name, lost in the hells of norf america crack addicts is. I look at watch, a. But shit I'm almost there!
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